What noone sees is the extremes I go to just to make everything look normal. I cant even hold up the appearance for more then 6 months or so before it all comes crashing down. Then I make up some excuse as to why everything happened the way it did and start all over. I dont understand allot of what I’m doing, I just make up rules that I cant break. Cause once i break them i know there not real. As long as i dont have proof otherwise then i can live what looks to be a normal life. But the more rules i break the harder it is to go back to a normal life and everything gets out of hand. A simple rule broke is just a broken rule for me. It’s a change in the way I do things. If I’m alloud 5 mins of leeway to show up late them more then likely I show up 5 mins late everytime and if someone say it’s only one min dont worry about it ok well in my head that five min rule is now 6 mins. Same goes with speeding. I never drove more the 4 miles above the speed limit. But once I did break the speed limit it’s like I ride over the speed limit all the time. So I guess the problem with being my is that I dont break the rules unless I have to or someone pushes me to do so. But once I do I lose that rule forever. Yes it restricts allot of things for me but without these rules I’m lost. I dont know what to do. I’ll do whatever people say and not understand if it’s good or bad if it’s something new. With helping people theres rules u follow, how you act and move in the conversation matters. When its social things the rules change and have so many variables that I stick to sports because at least there I play my role and that’s it. Yes I want to break my own rules but everytime I do I’ll end up going and going until I hurt someone or i hurt myself. I dont have the ability to self regulate. Sure in the moment I can look at the speedometer and say slow down. But as soon as I get distracted which is often I cant keep everything regulated and I end up speeding again. It’s like this with everything even food. I need someone to say this is what you get and this is why and as long as theres valid reasoning I can follow rules. Most the time I do this myself by getting a job then following the jobs guidelines then coming home and sleeping because if I get to doing anything fun I cant seem to make myself stop. Ugh it’s such a pain.
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